When it comes to preparing for your wedding day, considering who will be by your side through the process can introduce a whole set of new emotions and concerns that you haven’t had to grapple with before. There’s no personal guidebook to follow when choosing your bridesmaids, and it can feel so overwhelming to make decisions and try to balance the many pressures the process can involve.
If there’s one thing we know from years in the wedding industry, personal experience, and examining the concept of commitment while becoming certified as a marriage mentor, it’s that honoring yourself by making the right decisions for you is immensely empowering. If you’re in this position and trying to choose your bridesmaids, read on!
We’ll explore the kinds of reflections that can be helpful in this process, from questions to ask yourself about your friendships to considering the sort of future you desire and how to incorporate your relationships into your big day and beyond.
As you begin to consider the nitty gritty of your wedding planning, such as choosing your bridesmaids and other roles for friends and loved ones, we recommend frequent reminders of the big-picture perspective. What does “big picture” mean? In short, it means that if you are pursuing a vibrant and committed marriage with your partner, and not just looking to have a wonderful wedding day, what kinds of wider-perspective approaches should be considered?
As we discussed in this post, it can be incredibly easy to get pulled into a point of view that focuses less on your relationship and more on your wedding itself. It can be challenging for couples to cope with the feelings of distraction and frustration that might result.
Working with a holistic wedding planner, speaking regularly about how you’re feeling, both individually and as a couple, and keeping your commitment to life together front and centre can help maintain perspective. Grounding your relationship and your plans in your dream for your committed future, and from there, considering the roles that others have played and will continue to play in your life, is a great place to start.
Let’s make a few things clear, right from the start.
First, there are no hard and fast rules about bridesmaids and bridal parties.
According to Roman lore, bridesmaids existed to protect the bride from evildoers and spirits who wished ill upon the couple to be wed. Serving as decoys to confuse the villains, bridesmaids ensured safety and security for the bride and groom.
Like so many aspects of wedding culture, having a wedding party is a tradition that has shifted and morphed through the decades and now may only loosely resemble its original intention. In the case of bridesmaids, this crew, made up of women, would assemble to assist with wedding duties such as the attire, decorations, flowers, and other preparations for the day, long after the fear of evil spirits had been lost.
Today, those who choose to have a bridal party more freely select their bride tribe – selecting without regard to gender or sex, and the duties of bridesmaids may vary widely.
This brings us to our second important point:
Will your bridesmaids play a more practical or more symbolic role in your wedding and life in general? Do you envision relying upon their assistance for tasks such as a bridal shower, bachelorette party, decoration set-up, or other work? Or, will you reach out for emotional support, counting on them for their affirmative presence in this time of transition?
Serving as a bridesmaid is only one of numerous ways that friends and loved ones can participate in the wedding celebrating a couple. If the concept of honouring certain relationships in your wedding appeals to you, there are many ways to get more folks involved in the celebration. We’ll expand on this a bit later on.
Ask yourself – why do you want bridesmaids, and what roles do you envision them playing? If you expect a more hands-on wedding, bridesmaids are a wonderful way to involve friends and loved ones. Even the calmest of brides typically experience some flutters and jitters as she prepares for this commitment, and having a few besties by your side throughout the process can help you understand and process big emotions, let the little things go, and enjoy each moment as it comes.
For some, requesting that a loved one perform a role in the marriage ceremony or preparation is an enormous honour. This role could be serving as a bridesmaid or maid/matron of honour, personal attendant, usher, ceremony reader, musician, officiant, candle-lighter – and the list goes on and on.
What’s important to note is that if you’d like to include or honour a special relationship in your ceremony or marriage preparations, but don’t feel that bridesmaid is the right fit, then don’t be discouraged. Some brides choose to honour their loved ones with a special corsage, hair flowers, or gift. If the celebration of the relationship is important to you, honour that relationship with a thoughtful and fitting role.
Keeping in mind our first point, that there are no critical rules about bridesmaids and bridal parties, what follows are things to consider when choosing your bride tribe.
Who has been important to you and/or your relationship, whose presence throughout your day-of preparations can keep you grounded and secure in who you are? This list may be expanded or whittled down, but try to keep it straightforward and consider that these individuals should be the ones that accept you just as you are.
Some bridesmaids coordinate clothing; some brides cover the cost of matching dresses or pantsuits; some bridesmaids are expected to pay their way through a full-fledged bachelorette weekend; some bridesmaids just show up for the wedding.
While it is generally considered thoughtful to share expectations regarding bridal party expenses at the outset, it may also be a factor when selecting roles for your best friends and family members. Be considerate of personal situations. We always recommend honesty and flexibility when discussing expectations and determining best fits for your wedding party members.
In many weddings, the bridesmaids and groomsmen stand at the front with the bride and groom during the I do’s. Is there space at the front, if you wish to follow tradition in this way? Remember – your bridal party can certainly sit with the rest of the guests – but it may be worth considering spacing and the presence of any florals, arches, altars, chuppahs, or other items or decorations when considering bridesmaids and groomsmen.
Are you obligated to ask someone to be in your bridal party because you were in theirs? Do manners dictate that you must have that bossy and rude relative as a bridesmaid? What about your college roommate who you were so close with but haven’t spoken to for two years?
All of these pressures, and many more, can come up when considering your choices for bridesmaids. And although there are many ways to address these pressures – from alternate roles to simply not having a bridal party and sticking with attendants to help you get dressed and keep the dance floor grooving, only you will know what feels right.
We believe that feeling comfortable, confident, and cared-about is critical as you prepare for your commitment. It can feel overwhelming, but staying true to yourself and your spouse-to-be to select your bridesmaids and wedding party will pay off in the end.
These tips and perspectives will help you narrow down your options, honor your most cherished relationships, determine the purpose in having a bridal party and the expectations that you set for each person, and should help you feel relaxed, supported, and confident as you enter into the adventure of marriage.
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